Big Brother's Radio Show of Amour
by ScarlettRed7
Summary: "'Hi! You're now tuning in to France's radio show.' What? You expect me to use this silly pick up line?" Send letters to France's radio show! It can be from anyone except England, because I have a plot to conjure! Enjoy! Ratings may go up.
1. Introduction

"Hi! You're now tuning in to France's radio show." What? You expect me to use this silly pick up line? How amateurish. This is MY radio show! I can introduce myself in however I wa- Oh, the mike's on? Why didn't you tell me?

Ahem.

_Bonjour, mon auditeurs belle_, it is _moi_, _Monsieur François Bonnéfois_, and welcome to _Big Brother's Radio Show Of Amour_, live! If you, _mon auditeurs belle_, have any questions about anything, like about _amour_, or if you want to know how to get your stuffy Brit into bed with you (honhonhon), then send letters to _moi_~! I will be more than happy to give you a solution to your problems~!

In fact, I have a letter right here in my hands now! Let's see what it says, _non_?

Hello France~! There's something troubling me at the moment. What can I do to make people like me?

Hmm… Let's see…

That's a piece of cake. Just offer your love. That's the only way. And your pick up line has to be, "How do I get to your bed from here?" Then you're all set.

That pick up line does work! Remember the stuffy Brit I've mentioned earlier? _Oui_, it worked on him~!

Onhonhonhonhon~! It seems like I already have a fan! Well, I'd better go and give my fan what he wants~! Before he breaks down the windows again. I-in his attempt to get more of my knowledge and experience of _amour_~! _Oui, oui_.

-pounding sounds in the background-

Heh heh, what frog? There are no frogs here, my lovely number one fan~! Have patience, I will attend to you shortly~!

Well, that's it for now! Join me again next time for more of _Big Brother's Radio Show Of Amour_-

-crashing sound-

Oh, _merde. Angleterre_-

-random noises-

-I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston-

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

A/N: SO. Send France your letters! It can be from anyone, normal people, nations, etc etc. You can be anonymous if you want. Yes, I got this idea while re-watching episode 43, and I stole Russia's letter from there… OTL

I think I will have a plot behind all this, so, uh, don't send in letters from England, please? FrUK yeah! /shot

By the way, if you want to hear this song, paste this after the Youtube URL - watch?v=3JWTaaS7LdU&ob=av2n

Translations:

_Mon auditeurs belle_ – my lovely listeners

_Hetalia_ belongs to Himaruya.

NEW FEATURE! Request songs if you want for dedication! This ain't called a radio show for nuthin'! I'll search for them on Youtube and stick the back bit of the link here. You can include a message too~! Enjoy~!


	2. Stalkee in Beijing

Onhonhonhonhon~ You are now tuned in to _Big Brother's Radio Show of Amour_~! Before I start with the letter, I want to say a few words to all my fans out there. If you want to have a meet-and-greet session with _moi_, please do not come while this show is on air, _oui_? I know you all love me, but you have to share with the rest of the world too~!

_Oui_, now that that is out of the way, I can get to replying to all your letters~! Here is one from this person who wants to be known as 'Stalkee in Beijing'.

'Dear France,

There's this guy that's been following me around lately aru~

Everywhere I go, he's been there in this panda suit aru~

It's getting a little... scary... to say the least aru~

How can I get him to stop?'

Hm, a panda suit? How romantic, honhonhon~! I mean, have you seen how pandas make _l'amour_? This is clearly a sign that this guy in the panda suit (by the way, how did you know that it was a guy?) is shy about declaring his _amour_ for you! My advice for you is to get a female panda suit and talk to him! He will feel more confident if you are a female panda, and you will end of having sexy times like real pandas do! Honhonhon~

Here's a song of _amour_ to get you in the mood~ Enjoy~

-Panda Love by Josh Groban-

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

A/N: Paste this after the Youtube URL - watch?v=l1Ggn8OmGG4 - and you'll get the song.

Thank you all for the letters! I'm replying to them as fast as I can while still keeping on track (I hope) with the Bloodbath 2011!

Stalkee in Beijing belongs to TCNinja96.

_Hetalia_ belongs to Himaruya.


	3. Germany

Onhonhonhon~! Welcome back to _Big Brother's Show of Amour_~! I hope all of you have enjoyed the song~!

_Oui_! This next letter comes from Germany~! Let's see what it says~!

'France,

Gottverdamt, what am I even doing here...

...

How do you persuade a friend to notice you romantically?

...and do not try to guess who said friend may or may not be.'

Onhonhonhonhon~! Your friend, eh? _Allemagne, mon ami_, the normal way to do this is just to give him – or her – a sweet kiss~!

But! If your friend is Italian – and I'm not saying that he/she is, but for Italians, this method does not apply. Where was I? Oh yes! If your friend is Italian – and I'm not guessing here, it's just a big 'if' – 'IF' your friend is Italian, you have to say it outright to his face. Or her face. Oh, and you have to make sure he is not eating pasta, going to have a siesta, playing with cats or doing anything that will either distract him or break the mood.

Still have no idea what to do? Don't worry, Big Brother will give you a step-by-step guide!

Step 1 - Make sure your friend is not doing any of the said things.

Step 2 - This is optional. Have a candlelight dinner with him, and make him pasta. Word of advice, and this comes from a food connoisseur (_moi_), but don't rinse your pasta after it's cooked! This is a terrible myth that's propagated across the cooking world. That wonderful coating of starch that's sitting on your heated pasta will keep the delicious sauce from sticking to it.

Step 3 - If by now he has not asked you why you did all that, then ask him if he knows the reason.

Step 4 - Declare your love for him. You have to be direct and serious. But not too serious! Don't give him a heart attack!

Step 4.5 - Make sure your breath does not stink, and you don't have sauce around your mouth.

Step 5 - Kiss him. On the lips.

I am sure he will definitely 'notice you romantically' after all that. _Vous êtes les bienvenus_ in advance.

Here is a song to listen to while preparing the pasta! Now if you will excuse me I have to make an urgent phone call. Meanwhile, enjoy the song~!

-The Pasta Song from Sesame Street-

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

A/N: Like before - watch?v=5-wRU0_WDxQ

Translations:

_Allemagne_ – Germany

_Vous êtes les bienvenus _– you're welcome

Credit for the pasta tip goes to startcooking dot com.

Thanks to IncomprehensibleSparks for sending Germany's letter.

_Hetalia_ belongs to Himaruya as usual.


	4. Minnesota

Onhonhon~! You are back with _moi_ on _Big Brother's Radio Show of Amour_~! Let us see what the next letter holds for us, _non_?

'Dear France,

_Bonjour,_ this is Felicia, aka Minnesota.

I'm just writing to see how you are, and that a few friends and I are making a cosplay movie.

I have an orange and white tabby guess the name and I'll see about coming over.

Love,

Felicia'

Ah~ _Bonjour_ to you too, Felicia! I am very well, _merci d'avoir pose_.

Oh? A cosplay movie? What is it about, _mon cher_?

A cat? Let's see. How about Aphrodite, after the goddess of _amour_? Or Valentine? Or Amber for its fur color? Oh, just don't come over while I'm on air, _oui_?

Now for a song~! This song is a remix from a viral video on Youtube, so I hope you'll enjoy it~!

-Can't Hug Every Cat-

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

A/N: You know the drill - watch?v=sP4NMoJcFd4

Translations:

_Merci d'avoir pose_ – thank you for asking

Credits for cat names comes from random pet naming websites I've Googled.

Felicia belongs to Sebastian's Servant Felicia.

_Hetalia_ belongs to Himaruya.


	5. A confused American

Onhonhon~! You are back live with _moi_ on _Big Brother's Radio Show of Amour_~! This next letter comes from a person who would like to be known as 'A confused American'.

'Hello France,

I was wondering if you could help me with a big problem I've been having. You see, I've uh... have been going out with this guy for a few months now, but we haven't kissed yet even though I really want to. I'm not sure how to approach this since it would be my first kiss and I really want him to kiss me. I'm confused and would really love your advice. Please help!'

Onhonhon~! A virgin lover in distress~! Of course Big Brother will help~!

That is easy! Set the mood! Have a good date together, and make sure he enjoys it too! Then get yourselves into a dark place (romantic if possible) and stand really close to him and make sure you use your body language to tell him that you love him~! Or, if you want to be more direct, simply _tell_ him that you love him!

Of course, it is still best if you make the first move. That is exactly what I did with _my_ lover. He never dares to make the first move every single time… Honhonhon~

Here, let Big Brother help you by dedicating a relevant song to you! Enjoy~!

-My First Kiss by 3OH!3 featuring Ke$ha-

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

A/N: Music - watch?v=AYC2FUutdKA

Okay, this is the hardest one so far, 'cause I'm not sure if this is Alfred speaking, or if it's someone who _really_ needs the advice. Either way, I hope it works!

Thanks to Sharrkolla for sending in the letter!

_Hetalia_ still belongs to Himaruya.


	6. Bizenghast

Onhonhonhonhon~! The one and only _moi_ welcome you back to _Big Brother's Radio Show of Amour_~! It is time again for me to read a letter sent by my fans~! Let's see what wonderful advice I can offer, _oui_?

'Hallo Onkle France,

My name is Bizenghast, a micronation around Sealand's age. I'm Estonia's adopted daughter. Switzerland is training my military. I'm a computer genius. So don't cross me.

Anyway, I'm in need of your advice. There's a micronation named Adoracion, and I like him a lot. He doesn't notice me. How can I, in an appropriate way for an eleven year old, get him to notice me?

Wishing you are well,

Kira "Bizenghast" von Brock'

Ooh la la, a micronation with a military trained by _Suisse_ and computer skills taught by _l'Estonie_? I wouldn't dare cross _you, mon cher_.

Honhonhon~ You are thinking about _amour_ at such a young age! Big Brother is so proud of you~! I remember myself at your age. Honhonhon, but that's another story for another time!

You did mention that you are a computer genius. Have you ever thought of using your skills to impress him? I am not a computer whizz myself, so I'm not sure what you can do. But with modern technology, you can do anything! Be creative!

You can also start talking to him more often. Greetings in the hallway, questions about trivial things, discussion about yours and his interest. If you can, get a project and let him volunteer to help you with it. Just look like you're having problems around him and ask him questions about it. I am sure feelings will bloom between you two.

Word of caution, though: do not, and I repeat, DO NOT STALK HIM. You may have heard of Belarus and her relationship with her brother Russia, _non_? She lacks the feminine touch every female should possess.

I hope my advice has helped you, and I hope you can find your amour with him~! Let me dedicate a song to you and him, _oui_? Enjoy~!

-What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction-

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Music: watch?v=QJO3ROT-A4E&ob=av2e

A/N: I can totally see America singing this to England on stage xD

Yes, France is giving advice that _could actually work_. –shock–

Reviews would be wonderful too~!

Bizenghast belongs to Frina17.

Hetalia belongs to Himaruya.


	7. Portsmouth

_Bonjour~_ Welcome back to _Big Brother's Radio Show of L'amour_~ This next letter is from Portsmouth City, also known as Bekki Kirkland. Honhonhon, I will never get tired of saying that word. Kirkland. Kirk-land. K-irk-land. Because he is always irked, _non_?

'Frog,

This is Portsmouth, England's kid. What the bloody hell are you doing to my father?

Secondly, umm I need your help. Paris has asked me on a date and I don't know if I should go. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Bekki Kirkland

Portsmouth City'

Tut tut. Such a _belle jeune Mademoiselle_ such as yourself shouldn't even be thinking of such foul words. I blame your father for giving you such a vile upbringing. I believe sweeter words will flow from your lips if I had a chance to take you into my loving care.

_Quoi_? I have not, how do you say, harm a single hair on his head or eyebrows, let alone done anything to your _papa_. Why would you accuse me of doing such a thing?

Honhonhon, I knew _mon fils bien-aimé_ will follow in his _papa_'s footsteps. Go, _mon chéri_, you have my word _mon cher Paris_ will be on his best behavior.

And that, my dear listeners, is the end of this session of _Big Brother's Radio Show of L'amour_. Join _moi_ again next time for more _l'amour_ advice~ _Au revoir_~ Chu~

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

A/N: No song for today, becauseIhavenoideawhattoplay /shot

So! Sorry for the long wait, the days have been flying past quickly, aaaaaand I procrastinate. Yeah. -shoots self-

About the schedule, I will (try my best to?) update every Friday or Saturday. After every 7 letters I shall insert the 'plot', which, I've decided, I will be winging it. -has never winged anything before- So next update will be plot!

Oh! One more thing. These 'love advices'? Do not follow them. People with real relationship issues, I suggest you get advice from someone with more experience, not from some random writer on the Internet.

Whoops, almost forgot the translations.

_Belle jeune Mademoiselle_ – lovely young miss

_Quoi_ – what

_Papa_ – Dad (wow, shock revolution)

_Mon fils bien-aimé_ – my beloved son

_Mon chéri_ – my darling

_Mon cher Paris_ – my dear Paris (yes, Paris is still Paris in French)

Portsmouth and Paris belongs to shadowraven45662, _Hetalia_ belongs to Himaruya.

To shadowraven45662: Yeah, I don't mind England's kids! And yeah, sure Paris can be a guy!


End file.
